Young wife agonizes about husband's cheating

Dear Straight Talk: I'm 21. My husband is 19. He has cheated on me several times, once since we've been married, and I'm scared he is doing it again. It's always with the same girl, an ex-girlfriend who lives out of town.

When we found out I was pregnant, he messaged her on Facebook saying he missed her and hoped our baby (now seven months old) wasn't his. Two months ago, I saw on his Facebook that he is messaging her again.

I am so upset. He says he's not cheating anymore, but how do I know that? I'm a stay-at-home mom, and he works out of town a lot. How do I tell if he's cheating, and what should I do if he is? — Marie, South Carolina

Christina, 19, Marysville: My boyfriend and I let our Facebook, email and phones be open books. Things were rocky early in our relationship, so we took this step to assure each other of our commitment. Being in a relationship will always cause some worry about infidelity, but it sounds like this guy will be a constant source of it and you need to consider leaving him. Counseling would be good for you.

Lennon, 25, Fair Oaks: I can nearly guarantee that if he cheated on you in the past, he's cheating on you again. Sometimes cheating stops and is worked through successfully, but this appears to be a trend. It seems like you have to catch him, though, for him to admit it. My advice? Cut him loose.

Elise, 20, Rexburg, Idaho: It definitely sounds like he is cheating. Discuss your suspicions with him in a non-accusing, loving manner. If he won't change, you and your son deserve better.

Katelyn, 17, Huntington Beach: Look at the situation rationally. Has he cheated before? Yes. Has he cheated while in a relationship that's supposed to be a life-long commitment? Yes. Is there evidence that he's cheating again? Yes. If you really care about this relationship, see a marriage counselor. But don't hold on just because you're "in love." Your love is apparently not enough to change his ways. Find a good support system and be ready to walk away.

Katie, 18, Auburn: You shouldn't tolerate cheating. You took wedding vows to be faithful in good times and bad, not whenever you feel like it. It has happened more than once, so I would leave.

Jaclyn, 25, Boise, Idaho: I am so sorry. Frankly, if you feel he is cheating, he probably is. Female intuition is rarely wrong. You might want to prayerfully consider separating for a while to figure out the next step. Be clear with him that he cannot have his cake and eat it, too. Until you respect yourself enough to do something about the situation, he won't respect you, either. Regarding your precious son, it is never easy to have separated parents (this I know from experience); however, it is worse to have a parent in constant emotional pain.

Dear Marie: The panelists didn't mince words. I hope your son inspires strength in you because what Jaclyn says about respect is true. Tell your husband you didn't sign up for an open marriage and that he needs to make his computer and phone transparent to you and assure you of his love and commitment.

If he refuses, take baby and separate for a while. Your emotional clarity will hopefully shake him up and wake him up. Please enlist the help of a marriage counselor or pastor. With a child involved, you need to do everything possible to create a healthy marriage.

Recipe for happiness for emerging adults: Fall in love and marry if you must, but don't get pregnant until you and your significant other are both at least 25. Why 25? This is when the adult brain kicks in. More than half the relationships that start before that age fall away.

People grow up. Their adult personality and lifestyle paths emerge — and very often they don't match anymore. America's 50 percent divorce rate would be cut in half if nobody under 25 got married.

Divorce is mostly horrible because of the emotional toll on the children. So fall in love (falling in love is good). Marry if you really want to (committed relationships are great). Just wait to have kids! That way, when age 25 hits and you break up, nobody is permanently affected. (Picture Marie, above, if there was no child involved. It'd be tough, but not as tough.)

For women under 25 who like this advice, consider the IUD to prevent pregnancy. The problem with the Pill is that nature makes women sexually attracted to genetically compatible partners through smell (generally a subconscious event).

However, DNA studies show that using the Pill causes women to be attracted to the smell of men with less-superior genetic compatibility. (This is because the Pill simulates pregnancy, and when women are pregnant, they tend to "sniff out" genetic profiles closer to their own.)

This results in two problems. One, if offspring are produced, they are more likely from this less-superior genetic pairing. Two, when women go off the Pill and are back in their natural state, they are attracted to the smell of men with better genetic compatibility. They may not act on these attractions, but there may be low sexual interest in their existing partner.

Sound familiar? Either way spells trouble for the marriage. (Thank you, Big Pharma.) You can read about this very important study in "The Scent of Desire" by Rachel Herz. — Lauren

Lauren Forcella co-writes Straight Talk TNT with a panel of 85 teens and young adults. To ask a question or become a panelist, click StraightTalkTNT.com or write to P.O. Box 963, Fair Oaks, CA 95628.